I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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