Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
