Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
