I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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