you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
