Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
