How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Apparently you make a good broom.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
