When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
