Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
