Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
