Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
