matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i think im in europe. pls send help
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Dear god my vagina.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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