If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
