I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
