HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
