Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
