I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
