I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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