Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
There's always time for handjobs
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
