worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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