i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
What drink are we having for lunch?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
