Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
