Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize