I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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