I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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