i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
