Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
