you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
