the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
