Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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