Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
