he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
