u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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