I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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