Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
