i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
