dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
