Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
