If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
