Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How does one acquire holy water?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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