dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize