hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
