the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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