Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
