Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
