As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize