dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
