I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
