I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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