You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
