got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
