Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
