Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
