i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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