You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
