I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
