Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize