WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
The Olympian is in my bed
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
