someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
