Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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