My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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