Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
