Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize