hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
