i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize