Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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