I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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