Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
