Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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