i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
